This time next week I will be in NYC surrounded by 250 of my closest Spirit Junkie soul siblings while my beautiful teacher Gabby Bernstein shares with us the ins and outs of running a spiritual business.
I am beyond excited for Spirit Junkie Masterclass and have been looking forward to it since the very first time Gabby mentioned it. In fact, I manifested my place in the class. I was totally suffering from FOMO when I first learned about the amazing weekend training opportunity and knew that I was trying to control the situation with every fiber of my being. If I continued with that strategy I would never get myself to NYC. Instead, I placed one of the postcards about the class on my altar and surrendered my desire to be there. I thanked the universe for all of the amazing opportunities I’ve had to learn from Gabby already through her books, video lectures, and amazing in-person events and acknowledged that if I was meant to be there, I would be. I didn’t need to worry about it or try to make it happen. And it happened. On one of my craziest and most stressed days at work this spring I opened up my email and filled with pure joy when I saw an email confirming my spot in the masterclass. (Thank you mom…and universe!)
Now that the weekend is almost here I am filled with a mixture of total excitement and insane fear.
First the excitement – There is nothing like the feeling of being in a room with Gabby and filled with Spirit Junkies. Nothing. I light up and feel at home there. This passage from Eat, Pray, Love beautifully describes what I experience:
Far from being freaked out by these regular-looking people singing to God, I instead felt my soul rise diaphanous in the wake of that chanting. I walked home that night feeling like the air could move through me, like I was clean linen fluttering on a clothes-line, like New York itself had become a city made of rice paper — and I was light enough to run across every rooftop. – Elizabeth Gilbert
I’m tingling with joy at the thought of connecting with so many loving people and to feel our energy vibrate and light up the world. I can’t wait to be back in NYC, an energized city that has the amazing ability to quiet my mind and calm my soul. I am thrilled to spend the weekend with my true soul sister, Katie Dalebout from The Wellness Wonderland. I’m stoked to learn from Gabby in an entirely new way. Her business is an inspiration to me everyday and I know that I am going to learn so much. I have butterflies at the idea of starting my spiritual business. I know that I will have the opportunity to attend the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and become a holistic health coach. I just know it. I don’t know how or when but I am certain that it will happen.
And here comes the fear – Every excitement is matched with a competing fear-based thought. Am I really cut out to run my own spiritual business? What if I never get to go to IIN? Will people think that I’ve gone off the woo-woo deep end? Aren’t there already so many amazing coaches out there? Will I be out of my league in that room of powerful spiritual leaders? I’ve only been on this path for a short time so how could I possibly inspire others?
The me two-years ago would have believed these fearful thoughts as the truth. She would have shriveled up and just accepted that she was small and would always be small. She would have accepted a general state of apathy and melancholy as just the way it’s going to be. She would have been green with envy witnessing others living their passion so courageously while she was too afraid to even ask herself what she was passionate about. My heart breaks for her but at the same time I know that she never truly existed at all. She was just my ego keeping me – the true, loving, shiny me – on an endless tour around crazytown.
The ego has one job – to survive. And the only way for it to survive is to keep you in darkness. To keep you afraid, small, worried, anxious, stressed, and believing that is the only way. My ego had me in a headlock for a solid 31 years and you can imagine that 31 years of thoughts are quite challenging to erase. The greatest gift of my spiritual and wellness journey has been relearning that love is all there is and how to witness my fear thoughts for what they are: False Evidence Appearing Real. But it’s times like this – when I am on the way to something amazing – that my ego tries is damnedest to get back into the driver’s seat.
I’ve been battling my ego like a full-time job since getting that amazing email confirmation for the masterclass. Most of the time I’m able to silence it and dwell in the presence of my power. Most of the time. But now that I am a few short days away, my fear voice is screaming and trying to drown out the part of me that is shrieking with joy and jumping up and down in excitement. I’m so grateful that I’m the me of today and not two years ago because I’m able to witness this showdown between love and fear and have a toolbox ready for me pull from to give love the edge. I’ve been surrendering my fears and asking for my heart to expand and love to pour through me. I’ve been reading my favorite Marianne Williamson passage daily as my personal battle cry.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. – Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
Fear will take you down, if you let it. The trick is to be able to see it happening and squash it by choosing loving thoughts instead. A great tool to practice daily is to write down your fears and then flip them into love-filled declarations.
Fear: There are already so many great coaches out there – I’ll just be a tiny fish in a vast ocean. What can I contribute?
Love: There is room for us all. Each person brings their unique story and approach and that means that there is a coach for everyone. And we can all support and learn from each other.
Okay, now you try. (Don’t worry – I’ll wait.)
How much better do you feel now? I challenge you to become the nonjudgemental witness of your fears. Stop them in their tracks by turning fears into loving statements. Even if you do this once a day I promise that your perspective will change! It’s this practice that is allowing me to wash away my fears and go into next weekend feeling inspired, excited, and ready to rise up and assume my role as a leader and teacher.
I can’t wait to share what I know is going to be a life changing experience with you!
The title of this post is my favorite Joshua Radin song, No Envy No Fear.
“Every day we try to find
Search our hearts and our minds
The place we used to call our home
Can’t be found when we’re alone
So have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear”