Lately it’s felt like I’ve been living in the middle of a shit storm. It feels like it is always something – and usually several somethings all at the same time. For example, this was a recent day in my life: I woke up with a terrible migraine and then was so nauseous of my way to work that I thought I was going to throw up in my smoothie jar, the same smoothie jar that I found a shard of glass in after drinking the majority of my smoothie, the access code for the parking lot wouldn’t work and it took me 5 minutes to get in, as I was walking to the office a car splashed salty, dirty slushy water all over me. AND this was all before 9am. The day later brought Scout throwing up all day and needing to be rushed to the vet when his breathing was labored and he couldn’t stand up, so I had to skip date night and seeing Louis CK and hand over nearly $1,000 [that I didn’t just have hanging around the house] for the bill. And this feels like a typical day in the life.
And the way home from the vet that night I burst out into tears and made this plea to the universe.
Okay, Universe. I’m gonna need you to help me out here. I’m sure there is a lesson in all of this. But I can’t see it. You want me to trust you. I want me to trust you. But I’m having a hard time trusting you. If I’m being guided. If I’m being supported. If I’m exactly where I’m meant to be I have to wonder, WHY? Because this moment doesn’t feel so great. It doesn’t feel expansive, abundant, supported, free, flowing. This moment sucks. And so many moments recently have sucked. So what is the lesson that I’m clearly missing? I want to do my assignment and learn the lesson. I want to move on. But the same struggles keep appearing. And you have to acknowledge that even the most trusting person would have some doubts. So I’m gonna need you to speak up – loudly and clearly. Please stop hiding the assignments. Spell them out so I am finally understand them and so I can get to work. Please help me understand. Please help me believe. Please help me learn. Please help me free myself.
And then the guilt snuck in. The guilt for even doubting the Universe. The guilt for not trusting. The guilt for demanding the Universe work differently. The guilt for being a bad spiritual student and teacher. The idea that maybe I was the problem. If I just surrendered some more. Had more faith. Meditated more. That my problems would go away. But that – maybe – my hardships were my own damn fault.
But then I called bullshit on myself and blasted Taylor Swift in the car. Because, here’s the thing I realized [and probably the lesson I was demanding the Universe spell out for me]:
There is no right or wrong way to be a spiritual person.
My way is different from Gabby’s way which is different from Oprah’s way which is different from Marianne’s way. But they are all the right ways. Plus I believe that the Universe would rather I question it than ignore it. Because, if I’m willing to have a conversation with the Universe, part of me clearly believes in it. And my perfectionist tendencies can often create distance between me and my spiritual practice. Feelings of not doing it “right” keep me from doing it at all. And guilt about not having blind faith made me question everything. But I’ve realized that is totally okay and I don’t need to feel guilty about it.
So I question. And I trust. And I doubt. And I surrender. All at the same time. And that’s my spiritual. What’s yours?